The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize