oh god the rape fog is back!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
