the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
