Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
