Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
