It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
