ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
