yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
