I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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