At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
