Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
