There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
