Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
