Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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