I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
