well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I am mentally ready for anal.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
