saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
