My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
