i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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