Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
