I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
