Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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