hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
pop tarts are not kleenex
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
