I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
