I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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