I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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