I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
