the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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