hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
