Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
How external is "for external use only"?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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