Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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