My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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