I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
