Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
