I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
