I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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