You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
