Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
