go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We got so high we made milksteak
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
