god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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