This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
