I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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