I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
