She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
