So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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