Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
