also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
