I showed him my bush... on skype.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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