If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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