Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize