i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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