Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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