I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize