Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
