im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
