Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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